Find Hope

Inner healing years after waking up next to my "sleeping" grandmother.

I realized it was me. I was the one that had the problem. That was the first step in getting the help that I needed.

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When I was born, my mother gave me away to her mother, my mamaw, my grandmother. My grandmother raised me. She was a good woman. I had a wonderful childhood. Unfortunately, at the age of ten one morning, I woke up and found my grandmother died. That morning I remember when I woke up and found her I thought she was still asleep. I didn’t fully understand what had happened. So, I got myself ready and went on to school that day. That’s when they told me. They came and got me out of school. They told me that she had passed away and she was gone. I was very confused. All I had was that image of her still lying in the bed as what I thought was that she was asleep. Now I knew that she was dead. I was very angry and confused. I didn’t understand why this happened to me. I was forced to go live with my mother. The next day after my grandmother died, they moved the same bed that they found her dead in and put it in my room. I was forced to sleep in that bed. I remember setting up in that bed just crying all night and my mom walking by telling me to stop crying. From then on I dealt with confusion. I lived in fear day in and day out. All they did was fuss and fight all of the time. My step-dad beating on them. Then he started sexually abusing me. He came into my room, touching me in places that he shouldn’t have. As soon as he left to go to work, I ran in my moms' room crying and I told her what he had done. She screamed at me and said that I was lying and that it wasn’t true. She told me to get ready and go to school. It broke my heart. I was scared, even more, scared after that. She was supposed to be my mother. She was supposed to protect me and she didn’t. So, she made me go on to school. I just remember being scared. I almost ran away that day. I didn’t. I just came back because I had nowhere to go. At seventeen I married my first husband. I was just trying to get out of that home. 

All of their life, all they ever saw out of their mother was that I was drunk or high on pills or pot. I eventually became a meth addict. I thought to find another man with money was going to solve all of my problems. I left him of seventeen years and married another man. He had a good job and we had two nice cars, a Lincoln, a BMW, and a home. That wasn’t the answer. I stayed high and roaming to wherever I could get that next high or next drink, whatever it took. When that didn’t work out, I thought everybody else was my problem. When I got up there and realized that all of the same things were happening I realized it was me. I was the one that had the problem. That was the first step in getting the help that I needed. That’s when they took me to Women at the Well. 

When I first got there I wasn’t so sure. I was just there because I didn’t have anywhere to go and because I knew my kids wanted me to be there. My family and my kids didn’t want anything to do with me. I was an embarrassment at that time. At seventeen months is when I got on my face and started crying out to God that I needed Him. I needed help because clearly anything that I was doing was not working. I was willing to do whatever it took. I remember standing there and I was looking out at this most beautiful sunset that I had ever seen. I remember, I heard Him give me peace. I heard it and I felt it. It went right into the core of my being. He said, "peace". From that day forward I have had a relationship with Him. I have felt Him tangibly. I read the Bible and He speaks to me. He speaks to me in my prayer time. I stopped listening to the lies of satan and realizing who I am in Christ. He loves me and I didn’t need drugs and alcohol. I was just trying to fill the void of God, of Jesus that I didn’t have. I didn’t have that relationship. I didn’t know how to live a normal life because all that I had ever known was partying and being high. That’s the way my family was. They all were drug dealers and bootleggers. I thought everybody’s family was that way. Then I found out that, no they are not. 

My children have been restored. They are very proud of me. All they ever wanted was a mother too. Today, they love coming to see me. They are proud of who I am today. 

Rachel - Inner healing years after waking up next to my "sleeping" grandmother.